i surrender.

I have been failing.

Failing at everything.

I have failed my friends.

I have failed myself.

I have failed my family.

I have and am failing my God.

I have only come to God

In my moments of need,

Not because I value and

Love Him as my Father.

My feet are bloody,
dirty and tired.

They are no longer beautiful.

They ache.

I feel as though they were once life carriers,

But are no more.

Instead they carry apathy.

I’m living two lives.

Some believe I’m fine.

That I’m pursuing God’s heart. 

Only I know the truth.
That I’m dead.

That I’m playing a part.

That my flame has been blown out.

My plans and dreams

Have unraveled before my eyes.

My heart is numb.

Father, I have to say this

And reveal the depravity in my heart:

I don’t trust You.


Everyone can take me off their pedestal.

I’m broken.

I’m empty.

I’m rebellious and sinful.

What shall I do?

I wrote this on September 29th, 2011. For the month since I wrote it, I have been ashamed of those words. I didn’t want to reveal my failings. I didn’t want to show that I was floundering.

Recently, my church has been running a sermon series called “White Flag”. It’s about letting go and letting God. That phrase sounds cliche, but it’s so true. By letting go of my pride and surrendering, I’m allowing God to invade my heart and take my life into His hands. I am waving my white flag.

Joy William wrote a song several years ago called “Surrender”. Imagine that. Listen to this and let the words invade your heart.



Are you ready to wave your white flag? Are you ready to lay down your pride? I did, and God has brought beauty through ashes. He will never fail, never stop loving you, never stop forgiving you- He is always to pick up the pieces, rebuild you, refresh you and send you back into the battle.